Making
the Move Easy on the Kids
Moving
from one house to another is seldom easy and fun for adults and it can
be especially troubling for the children. But if parents deal with their
children's concerns and needs thoughtfully, much of that distress and
discomfort can be avoided. Children
see moves differently than their parents do, and they benefit much less
from the change in their comfortable routines, or so it seems at the
time. Most often, a change in houses or communities heralds an important
step forward for the adult members of the family.
The family moves because Daddy or Mommy has a great new job or a
promotion in reward for years of hard work. They move because financial
success has allowed the purchase of a bigger and nicer house in a more
costly neighborhood. They move because they can finally afford private
bedrooms for each child and perhaps a pool in the back yard.
In the 1990's, mobile and hard striving people typically live in
a house for about four years and then move on as their careers or
fortunes allow. That short time span is only a small percentage of the
life-to-date for a 30 or 40 year old, but the same four years is half
the life-time of an 8 year old, and it includes almost all the years he
or she can remember. To a
parent, this house may be only the place they have lived recently. They
think of it as a way station on the road of life. To kids, however, it
may be the only home they have ever really known.
This is their house, the place they feel safe and comfortable and
thoroughly at home. A house
is much more than a roof and walls to a child. It is the center of his
or her world. A move threatens to take that sphere away and leave
something totally strange in its place. The familiar friends, schools,
shops and theaters, the streets, trees and parks - all will no longer
exist for them. Everything soon will be strange, and they will live in
someone else's world. The impact of a move on a typical child starts about the time
he or she first hears that Daddy has accepted a promotion, and often
continues for about a year, until the new house becomes home, and
memories of the previous place fade.
It's not usually necessary to announce this big change to
children immediately, although they must hear about it from you before
someone else breaks the news. Most teenagers see themselves as adult
members of the family, and will probably feel they have been left out if
they don't hear everything from the first day. But it is probably not a
good idea to tell toddlers and preschoolers until they have to know.
There is no point in making them worry far in advance.
Be sure to announce the move in a totally positive way. You might
say how proud you are that Daddy's company has chosen him out of many
other employees to manage a new office in Cleveland. Talk about what a
beautiful city Cleveland is how good the schools are and how nice the
people are. Tell truthful
but very positive stories about how nice the new house will be. Ask them
what the favorite things are in their lives now, and then try to make
them happen in the new home. If
the new home is too far away to allow a visit by the entire family after
it has been selected, show the children pictures of it from every angle.
Videotape it, if you can. Emphasize the positive views and be sure to
include pictures of each child's new room. Try to name the house with
some romantic description like "Oak Hill" for the big trees
and the sloping lawn.
Sugar coating will help, but since children can
quickly see the negative sides of most situations, every parent must
plan to deal with their children's worries, fears and sorrows. The
children will lose friends they may have known all their lives. They
will leave behind their sports teams, their clubs and they're dancing
teachers. They will have to start over in a new place, making friends,
becoming accepted and fitting into different groups.
Younger children need protection from fear of the unknown. Listen
carefully to their concerns, and respond quickly to allay their
apprehensions. It would be normal, for instance, for a young child to
worry that his or her toy box and shelf of stuffed animals might be left
behind. Find those anxieties and correct them.
Probably the best tactic is to get the children actively involved
in the whole process. Don't just promise to let them decorate their own
rooms, for example. Take them to the paint store and let them bring home
color swatches. Shop for bed spreads and towels and carpets.
They must leave old friends behind, so find ways to make that
parting almost pleasant. Plan a going-away party and let them invite
their own guests. Take pictures of everyone and make a photo album. If a
child is old enough, send him or her out with a roll of film in the
camera and the assignment to photograph the views they will want to
remember. Some
relationships will be extremely difficult to break and these will demand
careful, thoughtful, personalized planning by both parents. How, for
instance, do you move a 17-year-old 1,000 miles from her steady
boyfriend? Expect that your children may be even more distressed after
the move than they were before it. The new house will not be beautiful
the night after the moving van leaves, or for months after. The
furniture won't fit the rooms. The
curtains won't be up, and every spot on the floor will be covered with
half-unpacked cartons. The children won't know anyone at school and, if
you move during the summer, they may have little opportunity to meet
anyone their age. You may be faced with many more problems in your new
community that they will, but remember that you can handle them more
easily than they can. They will need your help, and you should plan to
give them the support they need. After
the move, give each of them a long distance telephone call allowance so
they can keep in touch with the people back home who matter the most to
them. Buy a stack of picture postcards that show positive views of your
new community, and encourage them to write good news messages to the
friends and relatives they left behind.
To make new friends, make sure the children don't vegetate in
front of the television. Get them outside, where neighbors pass by. Have
them pass out fliers to do baby-sitting or car washing.
Encourage them to participate in as many school activities as
they can handle. Get them on sports teams and into clubs.
If they - and you - aren't making new friends fast enough, throw
a housewarming party for yourselves and invite all the adults and
children on the block. If serious emotional or attitudinal problems arise, however,
help is usually available and probably should be sought. Ask a teacher
for help. Consider professional counseling. Don't let a serious problem
slide. Remember that the
newness will wear off. New friends will become old friends and best
friends. This new house may become the family homestead your
grandchildren will visit every holiday season. There will be
discomforts, but in the long run, everything will work out fine.
Paul
and
Judy Wilson
and
TheWilsonHomeTeam.com
, your real estate consultants … for life!
293-1224 or 275-5464
